The Law School Rap Album

by L&R

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1.	Family Law 01:51	lyrics
It’s the F - A - the emizza, emizza - I L - Y law final exam: room 75, April 29 Be there, prepare – no outlines or cards where Where you break down the law rare – 9 o’clock: get there First section on the test: short answer problems are the best Divorce, jurisdiction, custody, and incest Property settlement policy – man, I’m feelin’ the groove 10:15 I’m finished – movin’ on: part 2 Frank and Roberta gave birth to a child named Hector They had a fight and Frank hit her, and they divorced thereafter Roberta wins Hector in court, goes out and joins a cult Frank wants to modify custody: What should the court hold? Holy hot damn, the family law exam I study hard, and write with both my hands I do some reading, and learn really good and fast That’s how I study and retain all the facts Like, for example, here’s an illegality You shouldn’t kill your whole damn family And that’s the family law, the good rules It’s always exciting and fresh, superly cool So study hard for the family law Or I’ll rip you up with my manly claws Now come on and get up, dance all around Listen to the family law exam sound Everybody take it, and everybody pass And now we can all practice law on your ass It’s the family law exam, holy hot damn It is illegal to kill your mom and your dad
2.	Making an Outline 01:35	lyrics
You little 1-Ls, you wanna make grades that pass Then make an outline, a motherfuckin’ outline, yeah Take your materials, notes, treatises, relevant statutes Casebook, courts packet, laptop, whatever have you Take a seat and relax, we’ll say you’re studying tax Take out your notebook to see what you been learnin’ in class I never skip, nah: I take notes – begin with that You type em up, organize, form and sculpt the path And when you’re ready, you know it, it will contain all the tools For you to analyze law right, do well at your school Be a successful associate pullin’ money and girls And when you receive your marks, you’ll be top the world Well I’m makin’ an outline to serve my knowledge Cuz I’m trapped in law school and going to college Now I’m takin’ a test, and the test is hard So I make up an outline – it looks bizarre It is filled with law facts and letters and words But I never understand, cuz the law is absurd So I’m trapped in law school, I wanna get out So I’m makin’ an outline to settle my doubts Oh line five outline: almost there Do not sign up for law school, you’ll lose all your hair Law school, law school, it is a drag Yeah, makin’ an outline is what I hate
3.	Practice Exam 02:03	lyrics
You take a P to the R to the A to the C To the E to the I to the C to the E To the E to the X to the A to the M to the S So you pass the test Get on the Internet, download some past exams Read the instructions, pretend test conditions – yeah Take out the outline you made, and it’s time to play You got a hypothetical fact scenario – yay Spot the issues, pick up a scrap paper and note The relevant law resolving each conflict – dope And think ahead: Do you really know the law of the land Cuz if you don’t, you better rework and change your plan Assuming you do, then sketch out the answer fast And pay attention to time – it takes speed to pass And I don’t mean amphetamines, I mean: watch your pace Evaluate all weaknesses and strengths Here is a practice’xam helping me practice Don’t go to law school, cuz that is too drastic Because practice exams, they never count on your grade So it doesn’t even matter, even if you get an “A” It’s a fake exam: it only helps you to study But, if it helps, then take it with a buddy And use the buddy system to take your exam Yeah, holy hot damn, wham bam ka-slam Oh practice makes perfect, so listen to my rap It’s totally on beat, and all that crap Cuz practice exams are not worth your time If you already know all the answers, fine Don’t go to law school, it drains your mug You’ll lose all your faith in religion and love Practice exams are no joke, no lie Law school is a poisonous pesticide
4.	International Tax 02:03	lyrics
Love & Respect Entertainment is our corporate name Incorporated in the Cayman Islands, yeah we play the game Of movin’ all intangibles into our home offshore Yo, Bri, what the fuck’d we have to do that for? I don’t recall the reasoning – probably because of the fact I never read a single word of international tax In the three days preceding the exam for the class I crammed my short-term and outlined enough to pass So what you’re sayin’ is you didn’t learn nothin’ at all Word up – Why? – I told you: I don’t recall Except for when I went to class I couldn’t follow his ass Who? – Professor Munstock – Oh, he makes me laugh When he impersonates celebrities, he cracks me up But, as a teacher, he S to the U - X: sucks Talkin’ over everybody’s head, flippin’ the text Then bouncin’ willy-nilly one part of the code to the next Internat’l tax exams serving overseas land Study hard like a man – internat’l tax exam Internat’l tax code – overseas rowboat Law one, uno: never kill a man slow Internat’l tax lawyer, overseas tax voyeur Overseas voyager – Huckleberry Tom Sawyer Cuz it’s internat’l, it’s like a flippy tassel So what’s the hassle – my psyche is fragile My insanity gradual till I graduate actual None of the internat’l tax code is factual Illegal internat’l magic is magical It is a hassle writing tax code manuals Pronouncing words and adding syllables tangible Moving the senate towards the taxing of animals
5.	Unprepared 01:43	lyrics
Be prepared that I’m unprepared, never read the case Never read the regulation nor the statutory grace Never even read the keynotes, and I don’t know what it means But you can call on Mr. Stevens, he will tell you what you need L and motherfuckin’ R: Love Respect dot net You’ve probably seen me, but no I don’t think we’ve met While you were doin’ your case briefs and workin’ a sweat I was at home makin’ rap songs with Love & Respect So anyway and I’m sayin’ I’m not preparin’ at all I’m never reading: you see me and I’m out havin’ a ball But still I’m always in class, cuz that’s the way that I pass Takin’ meticulous notes after I finish my raps Unprepared: I’m scared like I just saw a bear I’m scared – pointy hair proving I’m unprepared Do I know the law like the lawyerly should? No, I don’t even know what is bad or is good Is the Demiurge Evil Creator God of the Heaven Or is there a transcendental power, power descendant Now I forgot to read from our syllabus manual Making more prophecies than the prophet Nathaniel I am prepared for my test, gol dammit Why did I do that – that was very low-handed Now I will fail unless I get good answers If I eat pesticides, I’m getting the cancer Oh no, I just received my final grade I tested positive for herpes and AIDS
6.	Professor Marshall 01:48	lyrics
Professor Marshall taught my Evidence Class You had to prepare cuz, if not, he’d bust your ass And lead you all the way, right down the primrose path And when you realize you’re wrong, the whole class would laugh Professor Marshall is old school and totally cool And every class is Socratic so now he’s callin’ on you And when you fail to respond right, I raise up my hand And give the correct response to the question asked Unlike other professors who use a dialogue method Professor Marshall is logical in presenting the questions You can see, Professor Marshall gets nuff respect I got a 16 in Evidence, what’d you get? I’m Professor Marshall, Professor Marshall I teach Evidence very artful I always like me, cuz I teach good I am a good teacher in yo ’hood Marshall, Marshall, Evidence Marshall Hit em with some evidence – now they’re startled Hello class, yeah, hello lads I’m Professor Marshall, now quiet your ass Down – I’m gonna teach y’all Evidence Law OK, first: Don’t destroy evidence, y’all Now don’t kill people. Class dismissed Now I go home and have a stiff Drink. Peace out – my name’s Professor Marshall Do you want evidence? I have a cartful
7.	State & Local Tax 02:00	lyrics
State and local tax takin’ all your money away You stupid motherfucker, you need to plan today Who administers the property tax? We all know Yeah the State of Minnesota, home of rap and snow What you don’t know is what ratio’s assessed Of the fair market value of the place you rest We’ll assume that it don’t matter – hell, I need a drink Oh what a great time to sit back, relax and think The coefficient of dispersion watch the base erode & worsen Damn, my State and Local Tax Professor Shottle got me cursin’ Cuz he wrote my State and Local Tax packet for the course That’s so fuckin’ hard to follow that I’m pacin’ on the porch Later on I was cold coolin’, 40 dog in lap Stupid dookie link with my fisherman hat Now I’m substantially certain to the point it’s a fact I will not actively pursue a legal job in tax State local tax, yeah, state local tax I’m learnin’ you the facts on state local tax No sit on your ass and take notes on tax It’s time for a test – no cheating there, yes I’m State Local Tax Man rapping with my Tax Band Hee hoomie haw yeah State Local Tax Man I solve tax law disputes with some force Did you either pay state or local tax on that horse? OK, now I throw you in jail – that’s the law I’m the best State Local Tax Man that you saw Cuz the Tax Man cometh and taketh your stuff I’m sneezing cuz the air is all filled with fluff I’m allergic to bird feathers and cotton seed balls Now I’m gonna eat some more LSD, y’all I’m the State Local Tax Man rapping with my Tax Band Hee hoomie haw yeah State Local Tax Man
8.	Study Groups 01:52	lyrics
So you’re a 1-L, and you ain’t got no friends A thousand miles from home – you’re gonna drop out when? Go on and do it. Fine, you ain’t gonna leave Instead you find a study group to feed your 1-L needs You get together everyday over the noontime break An hour by call to share notes and small talk make With seven similarly situated girls and guys All rather plain in your appearance, nah the girls ain’t fly But as the semester winds and the heat is on Your study group begins to dwindle down: a couple are gone The ones that remain are tryin’ to free ride off you Now you see why not to waste time in study groups Study group: four people studying hard Then out comes the liquor, now we’re drunk in the yard Man, we hate law school, we hate study groups We just wanna party like some army troops Billy, Ken, me and Jake: study group number 8 Hee hoomie yamie hey, study group all gay Jake, you write down the law for that Yeah, Billy, you go buy some jiminy hats Yeah, Kenny, you research and find the answers Me, I’m dying cuz I caught the cancer Death disease, I’m so scared I freeze Now let’s copy study group number 3 Yeah, now we know the law, so we’re lawyers for life Now I legall smoke pot and married some wives And now I am a judge, so I make the law Don’t use a rake to do the job of a saw
9.	The Americans with Disabilities Act 01:39	lyrics
You were let go by Doctor Wong – nothing is wrong The ADA’s here to say: Yay – hence the song Discrimination is bad, discrimination is hate And crippled people are not crippled: they’re disabled – hey Look at the statute is tolling – we’ll get the ball up and rolling I’m mulling over the case law and noting the holdings We got a hell of a claim, we’ll get you money and fame Cuz you were fired, but your disability was to blame Disabled people of America, stand up and fight Don’t ever let your boss violate your rights If she does, get a lawyer: he’ll know where it’s at The Americans with Disabilities Act I take an exam, I cold rape the exam Then I throw it on the floor like the paper that’s bad I hate, I hate, I hate law school I wanna go home: boo-hoo-hoo No I have to study for the Americans with Disabilities Act I don’t really wanna study for that Now let me out of this prison This is no place for people to live in It is so cold in here I’m shivvin’ Brrr it’s cold in law school prison Now I pass the exam and become a lawyer Make-A-Wish Foundation bought Diane Sawyer For me. Now I can’t hear you – it hurts to answer What’s good for the goose is good for thy chancellor
10.	Studying for the Bar Exam 01:59	lyrics
Come on, everybody, come and study for the Bar Yeah, study for the Bar, study super fucking hard Study day, study night, watching everybody fight Bar fuckin’ with their minds – everything will be alright That is, only if you pass – if you don’t, it’s gotta suck Better study your materials and not rely on luck Practice for the multi-state exam – it’s multiple choice And weighted heavily, so be sure that you rack up lots of points And for the essay portion, careful that you legibly write And every issue that you spot, you argue for both sides As for the Basic Lawyer Skills part of the Bar, you better flex All your lawyering abilities from years of taking tests Go to B to the R to the B - R - I Stands for Barbri – not it ain’t Barbry The final prep to crush the test, the chance to prove that you’re the best We’re L&R: that is short for Love & Respect Study, study, study – cuz study makes perfect Livin’ in this world, it is not worth it I hate the Bar and the lawyers and judges I am dying of dumb disease, dangling crutches Now I fill in the bubble with a number 2 pencil Cuz I wrote all the answers on my swollen utensil I’m copying hard: I’m looking over your shoulder I have hidden pornography betwixt in my folder OK, now I’m sorry, I must use my utensil American disability acting all mental I say shar-nar-nar come and takin’ the Bar I can tell I’m gonna pass – it was written in the stars Two thermoses of vodka for helping me study Can I get another test, my paper’s all bloody? I think drugs are fun, takin’ a test I am sucking on a gigantic cosmic breast